Darkness Visible

I’ve logged close to 10,000 words this week. I’m breaking only for scheduled meetings and to teach my classes. I’ve shut off the outside, with the intention of going deep within. I’m in the midst of the most challenging part of my story, and I need total focus and quiet time for contemplation, reflection and clear communication.

I’m re-visiting some of my darkest days, and tears have been flowing… not because I still feel connected to the words that I once wrote. If anything, it’s the opposite. I no longer relate to feelings of self-hatred. I know that I’m healed from depression. I’m not on medication, and I haven’t had a mental breakdown in more than a decade. I don’t believe that I’ll ever experience one again.

I shed tears because I couldn’t see the things that are so clear to me now.

I keep thinking of Brad. What would he be like today, had he stayed here in the physical realm? Would he have discovered his self-worth too? Would he look back on his life, as I am, with compassion and a new perspective?

Being suicidal isn’t pretty, and it’s an interesting thing… having your whole life on paper.

My handwritten journals house words that some might say would be better to forget. I don’t believe that to be true. I think that we need to hold up the metaphorical mirror, in an effort to move through the pain and eventually heal. We need to fight our internal demons and win. In the midst of my pain and suffering, writing was the silent best friend that enabled me to release. It helped me to purge destructive thoughts, allowing me to move them from my mind to the page. 

I feel for my shadow self, but my voice is so different now. I’m no longer the suicidal girl who couldn’t see outside of her pain. Writing this book would not be possible if I was.

Authentically sharing my story means that there may be moments when the reader might not find me very likable or relatable. This sunshine-filled, sparkly life I’ve created for myself is a far leap from my previous existence. I’m writing the book for this very reason… to serve as an example that we can transform our way of thinking, and to illustrate that hiding doesn’t heal.

I think, by making our darkness visible, we can release it once and for all.


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