Patience

I’ve taken a break from the book project, and I’m not entirely sure if it was a conscious decision. In the midst of leaving my office job and pursing my hoop dance business full-time, I got side tracked. Not to mention, the last time I wrote, the content was pretty emotional. Diving into my journals can be an emotionally draining experience. I’m balancing those times out with inspirational books, movement meditation and other healing practices. The books are very helpful… Some of my favorites include: Peaks and Valleys, A Short Guide to a Happy Life, Where Did the Gift Go?, and The Mastry of Love. There are more that are escaping me right now. These books tend to leave me with positive thoughts that remind me to approach each day with gratitude. But, at the same time, I’ve been feeling a little guilty about my break from writing. A few months ago, I was on a roll… writing every evening, feeling very inspired. Now, it’s quiet time. Time to listen and absorb the thoughts and feelings within.

I returned from Citrus County this morning. I visited my home town to host hoop dance workshops over the weekend. I was pleasantly surprised that the workshops were a big hit. I didn’t know if people would show, and if they did, would they connect with it? The answer is yes to both, and it felt good.

Afterwards, I met up with my good friend, Jeff. I’ve been craving face time with Jeff, to tell him about the book project that I’m working on. I didn’t want to talk about it over the phone. I wanted to tell him, in person, about my plans for the book. Growing up, Jeff was one of Brad’s best friends. Over the years, he became one of my best friends too. His mom was my tennis coach and guidance counselor in high school. I was also great friends with his sister, and our families were connected as well. We all played tennis, and we spent countless hours hanging out after school and on the weekends. Following high school and college, we remained close. Jeff and I leaned on each other after Brad’s death – and it was important for me to share with him about the book.

So, on Friday evening, Jeff and I talked. I explained that I’ve kept journals my whole life, and I have everything documented… all of the grief and emotions that followed Brad’s death. Jeff is an amazingly supportive friend, and I’m grateful that I had the chance to speak with him about it. I ended up staying at the house that night since I had a couple drinks and didn’t want to drive. The next morning, I woke up at 6 a.m., with the thought that I had to rush back to St. Pete in order to teach class. But as I cranked up the car, I realized that it was Saturday, not Sunday. I don’t teach on Saturdays, so I no longer needed to rush. The sun wasn’t up yet and as I approached the boat ramp (where Brad took his life), I decided to stop. I hadn’t been there in a long time, and I felt compelled to visit his cross and absorb the energy of the lake. We grew up on that lake and spent so many days on the water… swimming, wakeboarding, boating, and playing. I thought about the lake being the last vision Brad had before he died. And as I pulled my car up, I grabbed my Ipod and went to plug it in. But, I quickly decided I wasn’t in the mood for my own music, so I switched on the radio instead. At that exact moment, the beginning of Patience by Guns n’ Roses came on. It sent a chill through my body. This was Brad’s favorite song, and it’s what we played at his funeral. I’ve listened to this song thousands of times but at that moment, the message resonated in a different way…

Shed a tear ’cause I’m missing you. I’m still alright to smile…
There is no doubt you’re in my heart now.

Said woman take it slow. It’ll work itself out fine. All we need is just a little patience.

Take the time… ‘Cause the lights are shining bright.

All we need is just a little patience.

As I sat there, listening to the words, I felt like Brad was speaking directly to me – about the book that I’m writing in his name. I felt his presence.

Before this moment, I was feeling anxious and guilty because I had taken a break from writing. I had been on a roll at one point and then I stopped. I was disappointed in myself because of it… until this moment, at the boat ramp.

It was a confirmation that I’m on no one’s time frame. If it takes me years to write, that’s OK. Brad deserves only my best work, so when inspiration strikes and the moment is right to write again, then I will. I think my quiet time is also part of the process. I’m reading, absorbing, remembering and thinking… I’m realizing that writing a book doesn’t necessarily mean you’re actually writing it the entire time. I want it to naturally evolve into a piece of work that does the story justice… it doesn’t matter how long it takes. I will have patience.